Are you unsure what to say to someone who has suffered a loss?
What do you say to someone who has lost someone? This is something I myself was unsure of before my husband became ill. I completely understand why many people ask this question and feel uncertain or uncomfortable about what they can say. Because grief is not something we learn how to talk about. Today, children learn math and reading from an early age because we recognize the importance of essential life skills. Yet grief is not something we are taught how to talk about. If you’re over 40, it’s not uncommon to have grown up with grief being something hidden or ignored. One of my good friends lost his mother at the age of five. He wasn’t allowed to attend the funeral, and her death was never spoken about. The prevailing attitude was to forget about it and move on.
Fortunately, today we know better. We understand that grief cannot be hidden away, and the more openly we talk about it, the better we can process our losses.
Still, many of us struggle because we’ve never learned how to articulate grief. We haven’t learned how to “speak grief,” or what to say when meeting someone who is grieving. We might fear upsetting the grieving person further or simply feel unsure what to say.
Yet care and attention from friends and acquaintances have an enormous positive impact on those grieving. Even if you don’t feel especially close, a simple gesture from you can significantly ease their pain.
What can you say to someone grieving?
Say something. Never pretend as if nothing has happened. The most important thing to remember is that you can’t say the wrong thing. It matters less exactly what you say, as long as you acknowledge their loss. Ignoring the loss, either by saying nothing or pretending not to notice them if you see them in public, is the worst thing you can do.
It might be difficult to start the conversation, but you could say things like:
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’ve been thinking of you since I heard the news.
I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now.
I don’t know what to say—I wish I had comforting words.
I’m thinking of you and your family.
He/she was always kind to me. I particularly remember when… (share a fond memory).
He/she was a wonderful, caring person (choose descriptive words about the deceased).
I’m your friend. I’m here for you.
I don’t know what to say. This must be hard.
Sometimes, simply being there is enough. You don’t have to say anything.
It’s also okay to admit you’re unsure: “I heard about your loss…I don’t know what to say.” Grieving people understand it’s hard for others. Acknowledging their loss won’t make them sadder.
Maybe you don’t need to talk about grief and death at all
After my husbands death, I experienced people who didn’t know what to say or how to behave around me. Acquaintances pretended not to see me on the street, and friends avoided contact initially after his death.
Even though I understand how difficult it is—and that I myself had trouble finding the right words before Jan became ill—it still hurt me deeply. It intensified my sense of loneliness. I’ve learned the hard way how important it is for people to say something, even if just offering a compassionate shoulder squeeze. I’ve also realized that friends who struggle talking about death and illness can still be wonderful companions when I need a distraction.
We experienced this even during Jan’s illness. After his ALS diagnosis—a devastating, terminal illness—one of his friends, let’s call him Mike, avoided visiting or initiating contact. Eventually, after a gentle nudge from another friend, Mike visited. A big hug at the door and simply saying, “This really sucks,” was enough. That evening, Jan didn’t want to talk about illness or death. Instead, they spoke about football, travel, and shared old stories. After that night, their friendship resumed naturally, becoming easy again.
So if you feel like Mike, take a deep breath and visit your grieving friend. It might be difficult at first, but you could find the conversation flows more easily than you expect. You don’t always have to discuss the difficult topics—just being there can be enough.
Things to avoid saying:
You’ll get through this—you just need to be strong
It’s good she found peace.
He’s in a better place now.
It’s been a long time—have you moved on?
At least you had many good years together.
You’re young—you’ll find someone else.
You’re young—you can always have another child.
I know exactly how you feel.
Everything happens for a reason.
Ask about what you hear
When talking to someone grieving, ask questions about what they share. Grieving individuals often feel people avoid asking, even though they’d like to talk. Allow them to talk—about the deceased person, the circumstances of their death, the funeral, or pleasant memories. Listen actively and remember details to ask about later. This active listening shows great compassion and care.
Do, rather than ask
If you want to help someone grieving, it’s often better to offer specific actions rather than asking them to tell you what they need. The grieving person might feel overwhelmed and find it difficult to ask for help or articulate their needs.
Instead, make concrete suggestions. Offer to help with gardening, walk their dog, prepare meals, or simply drop by with coffee.
And no, you won’t be imposing!
