Whether you’re grieving the loss of someone who is still alive but no longer part of your life—such as after a divorce—or mourning someone who has passed away, forgiveness is critical to the grieving process. It doesn’t just liberate you generally; it is also a vital component of healing and recovery. By embracing forgiveness, you’ll be better able to move forward in your own life, despite how you may have been hurt in the past.
Forgiveness doesn’t have to be direct.
When someone has died, naturally, you can’t confront them about past wrongdoings or make an effort to forgive them personally. When someone is alive but no longer involved in your life, direct forgiveness is equally unnecessary. In fact, a more direct attempt at forgiveness—such as saying, “I acknowledge you hurt me in this way, but I choose to forgive you”—often creates more conflict than it resolves. In many cases, this leaves both parties feeling more distant and isolated than before. Moreover, the natural urge for the other person to defend themselves can intensify, potentially leading to counterattacks against you. As a result, both parties may feel worse than before.
Rather than insisting on a direct confrontation with the person you’re forgiving, keep it private. The goal is to achieve a sense of closure regarding the person or the events within the relationship. You don’t need to communicate with them to reach this state; instead, we suggest forgiving them indirectly.
Forgiveness is an action.
Many people mistakenly believe forgiveness is purely an emotional experience: a feeling of relief or lightness that comes from letting go of the past. In reality, forgiveness requires action. You cannot simply expect it to occur; rather, you must actively decide to forgive, regardless of whether the other person is aware of it or not. Once you’ve completed the act of forgiveness, the emotional benefits follow—not the other way around.
Not forgiving hurts you.
When you’re unable or unwilling to forgive, you’re not hurting the other person. If they’re already deceased, they can no longer carry the weight of their actions. If you’re grieving the life you had with an ex-partner, they have likely chosen to move on and live their life free from the burden of past mistakes. It no longer harms them that you haven’t forgiven them, particularly if you have completely separated from each other’s lives. Yet, it continues to hurt you.
Many people feel that deciding to forgive means letting the other person “off the hook,” or accepting or endorsing their past actions. This isn’t true. Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person. It is an action you take for yourself, so you can experience the freedom that comes from letting go. You don’t have to endorse their actions; you simply have to be willing to move past them and let them go. It isn’t necessary for the other person to know you’ve forgiven them. In cases where the person is deceased, sharing this information is impossible, even if you wish to. Forgiveness is about accepting that the event is over and that you no longer have to carry its burden. Forgiveness isn’t about the person being forgiven; rather, it’s a crucial part of the grieving process—letting go of the past so you can move forward with your own life.