Have you ever experienced bumping into someone you know at the supermarket, and the first thing they ask you is, “How are you doing?”
The question is often asked in a gentle, caring tone, with their head tilted slightly to the side, maybe even accompanied by a compassionate hand on your arm. And even though the supermarket is the last place you want to discuss your grief, you find yourself answering – almost automatically – with, “I’m doing okay, given the circumstances.” Meanwhile, deep down, you’d rather be at home curled up in bed crying or staring blankly into space. You certainly don’t want to receive condolences in the middle of the grocery aisle.
For many grieving people, the question “How are you?” or “How are you all holding up?” has become a dreaded, maybe even hated, question. Because honestly, how do you even answer it?
I’ve personally heard every variation of this question. “How ARE you?” or “How are YOU?” But no matter which word is emphasized, the answer remains complicated and emotional.
The truth is, there is no simple answer. Grief is complex, messy, and chaotic. You might experience good days – or at least good moments. You might also have difficult days and difficult moments. And sometimes, your day swings dramatically between sadness and joy. Grief is filled with contrasts.
So, how can you answer when asked this question?
First of all, remember that there is no “correct” response. Sometimes, the genuine answer might be that you’re doing well, enjoying the moment. At other times, sadness or loneliness can hit you unexpectedly, even long after your loss.
It can be helpful to practice some standard responses to use when you’re asked “How are you?” in situations where you don’t feel comfortable answering openly, or with people you don’t wish to share your grief with, or on days when even the smallest word might make you burst into tears.
Standard responses can be dismissive if you don’t wish to share, or inviting if you do – but prefer a different place or time. Sometimes, the right answer is simply one that lets you quickly move on and away from the conversation. Short replies such as “Fine,” or “Thanks for asking, but I’d rather not talk about it right now,” can be effective before walking away. In other situations or with other people, it might feel more appropriate to give a slightly longer answer or invite further conversation at another time.
Here are some examples:
- “It comes and goes. Thanks for asking, but unfortunately, I’m in a bit of a hurry.”
- “Thanks for asking. That’s kind of you. But I don’t have the energy to talk about it right now.”
- “That’s a tough question, and I don’t have a short answer. Why don’t you tell me how you’re doing instead?”
- “I’d love to talk about it – but another day. You’re welcome to stop by for a chat anytime.”
When grieving, sometimes it’s difficult to tune into our own feelings. So, applaud yourself if you decide not to answer or opt for a brief standard reply when you sense you’re not in the mood to talk. Be proud that you’re listening to yourself, respecting your boundaries, and acknowledging your own emotional state.
If people close to you consistently greet you with “How are you?” you might consider speaking to them about it. Ask them to meet you without questions. Let them know that you’ll open up when you’re ready or need someone to listen. Helping your loved ones understand how best to support you also helps you. It allows you to avoid challenging situations and questions when you’re emotionally drained or simply don’t want to engage. Doing this supports both your loved ones and yourself, providing greater mental peace and a bit more emotional energy.
