Many parents worry about saying the wrong thing to a grieving child.
But often, it’s not what you say, it’s what you assume.
Here’s a moment that taught me that the hard way.
It was a good evening.
One of those rare ones where the conversation actually flows, where she stayed in it, instead of disappearing into her phone or answering in single words. She was telling me something that was worrying her. And I was present. I was listening.
And then I said it.
I suggested that what she was feeling might be connected to losing her father.
She shut down. Immediately.
“You don’t understand anything. You never listen to me.”
And she walked away.
I sat there, shaken. Because I genuinely thought I was listening. I was there. I was paying attention.
But when I look back now, I can see exactly what happened.
I assumed.
The mistake most loving parents make
I stopped being curious about her experience, and started trying to make sense of it. To connect it. To explain it. I thought I was helping. What I was actually doing was taking the conversation away from her and making it about my understanding.
That was enough to close the door.
And here’s the thing: this isn’t a mistake made by bad parents. It’s made by the most loving ones.
Because we know our children. We have watched them their whole lives. We have been through this loss with them. So when they start to share something, we think we already know where it’s going.
We assume.
And in assuming, we skip past the most important part, the part where they feel truly heard.
Why children shut down in conversations about grief
There’s a phrase I hear from grieving parents all the time, said with the best intentions:
“I know exactly how you feel.”
We say it to connect. To show we understand. To let them know they’re not alone.
But what it actually does is move the attention away from your child — and onto you. And most children, without even realising it, respond to that shift by going quiet. Not because they don’t trust you. But because they don’t want to add to your pain.
So they protect you the only way they know how.
They stop sharing.
What to say to a grieving child instead
So what do you do instead?
Three things, and none of them are complicated.
Don’t assume you know what it means. Even when it feels obvious. Even when it seems connected to the grief. Stay with what your child is actually saying, not what you think it means.
Don’t try to fix it. You don’t need to solve it or make it better in that moment. Your job isn’t to remove the feeling. It’s to make space for it.
Stay curious. Let your child lead. Follow their words. Ask simple, open questions:
“What made you think about that?”
“Tell me more.”
“What feels hardest about that?”
Notice what’s not in those questions. No explanation. No solution. No shifting the focus back to you.
The real goal
I won’t promise you this works every time.
Sometimes they’ll still answer with one word. Sometimes they’ll walk away, and you’ll feel like you lost the moment.
But here’s what I want you to hold onto: the goal was never a perfect conversation. The goal is something much simpler.
That your child feels safe enough to come back.
That’s not built in one big moment. It’s built in many small ones — every time you stay present, every time you listen without taking over, every time you say “tell me more” instead of “I know.”
You don’t need to get it perfect.
You just need them to know you’re someone they can come to.
That’s how trust is built.
If you ever find yourself not knowing what to say in those moments,
I’ve created a set of 64 gentle, ready-to-use conversation starters you can lean on.
So you don’t have to search for the right words, or worry about saying the wrong thing.
You can find them here for £15
You might also find my fee guide helpful:
10 Tips for Widowed Parents: How to Support Grieving Children