When your partner dies, you don’t just lose the person you love. Your children lose a parent, and suddenly you’re trying to help them through their grief while struggling with your own.

You might wonder whether your children are coping, whether you’re saying the right things, and whether they need more from you than you can give right now. And somewhere in the middle of all that, you’re grieving too.

Perhaps you’ve found yourself crying in the kitchen after the children have gone to bed, or snapping over something that wouldn’t normally bother you. Perhaps your child seems completely fine, and you can’t understand how they can carry on when your whole world has changed.

I know what that’s like. My husband, Jan, died in 2018, leaving me with our two daughters, then aged 10 and 12. I was suddenly responsible for helping them through the loss of their father while trying to make sense of my own grief. I wanted to do everything right and protect them from any more pain. Like so many widowed parents, I often wondered whether I was doing enough.

With a background in psychology and professional training as a grief coach, I now help widowed parents navigate many of the same challenges.

One thing I’ve learnt, both personally and professionally, is this: supporting a grieving child doesn’t mean putting your own grief aside. Your child doesn’t need you to have all the answers. They need to know that grief can be talked about, that their feelings are welcome, and that they don’t have to face the loss of their parent alone.

In short: three things that help

Look beyond the behaviour. Anger, withdrawal or clinginess can be grief your child doesn’t have words for yet.
Make grief safe to share. You can’t make your child talk, but you can make it safe for them when they’re ready.
Don’t leave yourself out. Your wellbeing matters, for your children’s sake and for your own.

Below, I’ll go through each of these.

Why is it so hard to parent while grieving?

Parenting is demanding at the best of times. When you’re grieving, even ordinary tasks can feel overwhelming. You may be exhausted, sleeping badly and struggling to concentrate, with emotions that shift without warning.

At the same time, your children still need meals, clean clothes, help with homework, lifts to activities and someone to listen after a hard day. And you may no longer have the person you’d normally share all of that with.

Grieving your partner while parenting alone

When your husband or partner dies, you lose far more than their presence. You lose the person you made decisions with, who knew your children as well as you did, and who you’d turn to after a difficult day and ask, “What do you think we should do?”

You may also be taking on jobs they used to handle, from household finances to school arrangements. Raising children after losing a spouse is an enormous adjustment, and it’s completely understandable if you don’t have the energy or patience you once had.

Your child may grieve differently from you

Children rarely show grief in the ways adults expect. You might be struggling to get through the morning while your child is excited about seeing a friend. Your teenager might seem more interested in their phone than in talking about the parent they’ve lost.

That doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving. Children tend to move in and out of grief: deeply sad one moment, completely absorbed in a game the next. Their understanding of death also changes as they grow, so a seven-year-old and a fifteen-year-old will rarely grieve in the same way, even after the same loss.

Do you need to be strong for your grieving child?

Many widowed parents tell me they feel they have to be strong for their children. They hold back tears, avoid mentioning their own sadness and work hard to keep family life feeling normal.

The intention is loving. But there’s a difference between helping your child feel safe and pretending everything is fine. When children never see an adult’s sadness, they may conclude that grief is something they should hide too.

You don’t need to share every difficult feeling. But letting your child see that you miss their parent, and that sadness is allowed, helps them understand that grief is nothing to be ashamed of. Being strong can simply mean showing that hard feelings can be felt, talked about and supported.

Look beyond the behaviour

Picture this. Your child comes home from school, drops their bag on the floor and refuses to do their homework. You ask them to put their shoes away, and suddenly they’re shouting at you. You’ve had a hard day too, and before long you’re both upset.

It’s tempting to see this as a behaviour problem. But what if something else is going on?

How does grief affect a child’s behaviour?

Children don’t always have the words for what they’re feeling, so grief often shows up in what they do instead. You might notice:

reluctance to go to school, or a sudden drop in interest in things they used to enjoy
clinginess, or worry when you leave the house
trouble sleeping or bad dreams
anger over seemingly small things
in teenagers, withdrawal, more time alone, or irritation when you ask how they are

These changes can be linked to grief, but they can have other causes too. So rather than assuming every difficult moment is about grief, try to stay curious about what might be underneath.

Behaviour is information, not an explanation.

Next time your child reacts in a way you don’t understand, try asking yourself two questions:

What might be going on underneath this behaviour?

And what might my child need from me right now?

Perhaps something happened at school. Perhaps a friend mentioned their dad. Perhaps they’re tired, worried or just having an ordinary bad day.

You don’t need the answer straight away. Simply changing the questions you ask yourself can change how you respond.

Why does my child seem fine one moment and upset the next?

Your child might be laughing with friends and then fall apart when they hear a particular song. They might go a whole day without mentioning their parent, then ask a difficult question at bedtime.

Children often take breaks from grieving. Playing and laughing can help them cope with difficult feelings, and they don’t mean your child has forgotten the person who died.

There’s no need to interrupt a happy moment, and no need to worry just because they’re enjoying themselves. Just be ready for grief to appear on an otherwise ordinary day.

How can you respond when grief shows up as anger?

Your first instinct may be to fix the problem or calm your child down quickly. Often, what helps most is naming what you see before trying to change it:

“I can see you’re really frustrated. Do you want to tell me what happened?”
“Something seems hard today. I’m here if you want to talk.”

If your child doesn’t want to answer, you can give them some space while letting them know you’re nearby.

Understanding the feeling behind a behaviour doesn’t mean accepting every behaviour. You can acknowledge your child’s anger and still hold firm boundaries around shouting, hitting or hurting others.

Your child needs both your understanding and the reassurance that someone is still in charge.

If you’re unsure whether changes in your child’s behaviour are part of grief or a sign that they may need more support, read the signs that a child may be struggling with grief.

Make grief safe to share: how to talk to a grieving child

One of the questions I hear most often from widowed parents is: “How do I get my child to talk about their grief?”

Perhaps you’ve asked how they’re feeling and heard “fine”. Or you’ve mentioned their dad and got a shrug before they disappeared upstairs. It’s easy to worry that they’re bottling everything up.

But your job isn’t to make your child talk. Your job is to make it safe for them to talk.

How to help a child who won’t talk about grief

Not every child works through hard experiences by talking. Some express themselves through play, drawing, music or sport. Others need time before they can put feelings into words, and some just don’t want to talk at the moment you’ve chosen.

None of that necessarily means something is wrong.

Instead of asking again and again how they feel, create openings for conversation to happen naturally:

Talk side by side. Many children open up in the car, on a walk or while cooking with you, because there’s less pressure than sitting face to face.
Mention their parent in everyday conversation. “I saw something today that reminded me of Dad.” “Your mum loved this song.”
Share a memory without expecting a reply. Sometimes the memory is enough. If your child wants to say more, you’re there.

Should you talk about your own grief with your child?

Yes, in a way that suits your child’s age.

One approach I use with families is express first. Rather than waiting for your child to bring up the person who died, you occasionally share a small part of your own experience:

“I was thinking about Dad today. I remembered how he always made us laugh when we were cooking.”
“I felt sad this morning because I missed Mum. I went for a walk, and that helped a little.”

This shows your child that it’s possible to talk about someone who has died and to name hard feelings out loud.

Sometimes you can open the door by sharing a memory or a feeling of your own. Other times, your child will be the one to start the conversation. When that happens, try to stay with what they’re telling you rather than bringing in your own experience.

I walk parents through this approach step by step in my free live masterclass, which I run regularly.

There’s one important boundary: your child should never feel responsible for making you feel better.

On a difficult day, you might say:

“I’m feeling sad because I miss Dad. It’s not because of anything you’ve done, and you don’t need to make it better. I’m going to call a friend later.”

What should you say when your child says they miss their parent?

Imagine your child suddenly says, “I miss Dad.”

Many parents instinctively reply, “I miss him too.” There’s nothing wrong with that. But if you want to understand your child’s experience, try asking:

“What do you miss about him?”

Perhaps they miss the way he tucked them in, watching football together, his terrible jokes or the sound of his voice.

You won’t know unless you give them the chance to tell you.

Jumping in with our own feelings, however well meant, can shift the focus away from what our child was trying to share. I wish I’d understood that earlier in my own grief.

A few gentle ways to stay with your child’s experience:

“Tell me more.”
“What were you thinking about?”
“What do you remember most about that?”

There’s no perfect response. Often the most helpful thing is simply to listen, without trying to fix the feeling or find a bright side.

How can you help your child remember their parent?

After a death, families sometimes become wary of mentioning the person who died, especially on a day when the children seem happy.

But remembering doesn’t create the loss. The loss is already there.

Keeping their parent part of family life can help children hold on to their memories and their own story. You could:

look through photographs together
share stories at dinner, including the funny ones
carry on a tradition your partner loved
tell your child something about their mum or dad they might not know

Your child won’t always want to join in, and that’s fine.

What matters is that their parent remains someone the family can talk about, rather than a name everyone is afraid to say.

Don’t leave yourself out

When your partner dies and you have children to care for, it’s easy to put your own needs at the bottom of the list.

You get the children to school, keep track of homework and appointments, and try to hold on to some sense of normality.

When someone asks how you’re doing, you might find yourself answering about the children instead.

“They’re doing okay. They’re back at school. They seem to be coping.”

But what about you?

There’s a difference between “my children come first” and “I don’t matter”.

When you’re the only parent left, there’s nobody to take over when you’ve had enough. Nobody to share the decisions, the worries or the responsibility of making sure the children are okay.

You may find yourself so focused on what your children need that you barely stop to consider how you’re doing. And when you do, you might feel guilty for wanting a break or needing someone to look after you for a change.

Over time, it’s easy to start treating your own needs as something that can always wait.

But your wellbeing matters, partly because it affects your parenting, and just as importantly because you’ve lived through an enormous loss yourself.

You deserve care and support too.

How do you care for your child when you’re barely coping yourself?

Some days, even getting out of bed feels hard. On those days, being emotionally available for your children can feel like one more thing you’re failing at.

Supporting your child doesn’t require endless patience or constant availability.

It can be as small as:

sitting beside them while they watch television
listening to one story about their day
telling them honestly that you’re having a difficult morning

And when things go wrong, you can repair them:

“I’m sorry I shouted earlier. I was tired and upset, but that wasn’t your fault.”

Nobody handles every moment perfectly. What matters is that you come back, acknowledge what happened and reconnect.

Should I cry in front of my child?

Many parents worry that crying in front of their children will frighten them or make their grief worse.

Seeing a parent cry isn’t harmful in itself. What matters is how your child makes sense of it, and whether they feel responsible for fixing it.

If your child sees you crying, you might say:

“I’m crying because I miss Dad. Sometimes I feel sad when I think about him. I’m okay, and I have people who help me when I need it.”

This tells your child that your feelings make sense and that you’re taking care of yourself.

You don’t have to hide every tear, and you don’t have to share everything either.

Some of your grief belongs with other adults: a friend, a family member, a counsellor or a grief coach.

How to ask for help when you’re parenting alone

One of the hardest adjustments is realising how much you now manage alone.

People often offer help early on. “Let me know if you need anything.”

But working out what you need and then asking for it can feel like yet another task.

Start with one specific request rather than trying to explain everything. For example:

Could someone collect your child from football once a week?
Could a friend bring dinner on Thursdays?
Could a relative take the children out for a few hours so you can rest?

Emotional support matters just as much.

You need people you can talk to about your partner, your worries and the parts of grief you don’t want to share with your children.

You may also need someone who understands how exhausting it can be to make every decision yourself, and who gives you space to talk about your own life rather than always asking about the children.

Asking for help is a sign that you’re taking your situation seriously, not that you can’t cope.

Keeping everyday life steady

Familiar routines, such as bedtime rituals or a favourite weekend activity, reassure children that not everything has changed.

Birthdays and anniversaries can be harder, for them and for you, so plan a little support for yourself in advance.

Finding it hard to manage everything on your own?

I offer a free grief conversation call where we can talk about what’s happening in your family, what you’re finding difficult and what kind of support might help.
There’s no obligation to work with me afterwards. You’ll leave the call with three conversation starters you can use with your child, so you’ll have something practical to try straight away.

Book your free grief conversation call

H2: When should you worry about your grieving child?

Every child grieves differently, and there’s no fixed timetable.

But if changes in sleep, appetite, school, friendships or mood last for several weeks, get worse or start getting in the way of everyday life, it’s worth talking to your child’s GP or school.

Frequently asked questions about parenting while grieving

What if my child seems happier than I am?

Children often move between grief and everyday life much faster than adults do.

Your child may laugh with friends or look forward to an event while you’re still struggling. That doesn’t mean they loved their parent any less or that they’ve finished grieving.

Let them enjoy those moments without feeling they ought to be sad.

What if my child tries to comfort me?

It’s natural for children to want to comfort someone they love, and a hug doesn’t mean they’re carrying too much.

Just make sure they don’t start to feel responsible for how you feel.

You could say:

“Thank you for the hug. I love you. You don’t need to worry about making me feel better. I’ve got people I can talk to when I’m sad.”

How long does grief last for a child who has lost a parent?

There’s no set timescale.

Children often revisit their grief as they grow and understand more about what losing a parent means.

Milestones such as starting secondary school, exams or leaving home can bring new feelings about the parent who isn’t there.

That isn’t necessarily a step backwards. Grief changes over time, and children may need different kinds of support at different stages.

You don’t have to figure this out alone

When I look back at the first years after Jan died, I remember how badly I wanted to get it right for my daughters.

I wanted to make sure they were okay and protect them from more pain, and I put enormous pressure on myself to always know what they needed.

What I understand now is that helping your child when you’re grieving too isn’t about finding perfect words or making sure they never feel sad.

It comes down to three things:

noticing what might be happening underneath their behaviour
making grief something your family can share safely
remembering that your own wellbeing matters too

You won’t always get it right.

There will be conversations you wish you’d handled differently, moments when you lose patience and days when you have very little to give.

But you can come back. You can apologise, listen, ask another question or try something different tomorrow.

Your child doesn’t need you to hide your grief. They need to know that grief can be shared safely.

And you deserve support as you find your way through this.

Would you like some support with your grieving child?

If you’re lying awake wondering whether your child is coping, questioning how you’ve handled a difficult conversation or simply feeling overwhelmed by having to manage everything yourself, we can talk about it.

During a free grief conversation call, we’ll explore what’s happening in your family, what feels hardest right now and what kind of support might help you and your children.

There’s no obligation to work with me afterwards. You’ll leave the call with three conversation starters you can use with your child, so you’ll have something practical to take away and try at home.

Book your free grief conversation call

How to help your grieving child when you’re grieving too